Summer holidays: The good Mother’s guide

By: Cathy Lette

It's the summer holidays - a time to give good hedonism. But first there are a few dos and don'ts every girl should know. Kathy Lette spills the beans..

The dos and don'ts of a summer holiday
Sex. It's fun to have a holiday fling, but best not to get intimate with the entire coast of Ibiza. And don't mistake falling in lust for love. Okay, the sex may be sensational. You are an FBI agent's wet dream - you have fingerprints all over you. But remember that a holiday romance lasts as long as your tan. Speaking of which...

Tanning. If sun worship is your only religion - become an atheist. Wear factor 50, or you could end up getting more than you basked for, like a melanoma.

Body. The worst thing about appearances is that they are deceptive. Inside I'm Claudia Schiffer. But don't waste your holiday worrying about breast size, cellulite and body shape. What's the point of going on holiday to a food capital of the world, then only licking the odd sultana for lunch? Ask yourself this, where do models keep their internal organs anyway, in their handbags?

Costume dramas. A costume drama is not a BBC documentary with bustles and bonnets. It's angsting over whether you're too old to wear a bikini. My advice is - dare to bare. While it's best not to loll about in a bikini which reveals parts of your anatomy only an obstetrician should see, nobody ever calls an aged bloke in his 'budgie smugglers' mutton dressed as ram.

Waxing. A teeny weeny bikini can give 'bad hair day' a whole new meaning. Still, don't opt for the full Brazilian. A waxed pudenda may sound erotic but when it's growing back it looks like a shag rug that's been terrorized.

Exercise. All year you've been only slightly more active than a pot plant. You get winded licking stamps. Now suddenly you're kayaking, scuba diving, parasailing.... Well, not only is parasailing a euphemism for 'organ donor' but you'll be so sore from overdoing the physical exertion, the only way you'll be able to brush your teeth is to place the toothbrush on the sink and move your mouth back and forth over it. Which could cramp your style in the boudoir olympics. So limit your exercise to running up the odd bill.

Hitchhiking. Never hitch a ride. Hitchhiking means relying on the kindness of passing psychopaths.

Bottle fatigue. Sure, drinking to excess is fun - if your idea of fun is waking up in an unfamiliar country with nipple jewellery. Remember, alcohol is not a major food group.

And finally, you don't need to stay in a resort so exclusive that only the tide can get in to have a good time. All you need for the perfect summer holiday is a beach and a good book, so you can also surf your brain waves. Happy holidays!