He Ignores Me!

If you feel like you're not getting enough time and attention from your husband, here's what to do!

"My husband ignores me. He comes home from work and sits in front of the TV for hours. When I try to start a conversation, he barely listens to what I'm saying. I've tried to tell him we need to spend more time together, but he acts like I'm nagging. Why isn't he more interested in our marriage and what can I do about this?"

"This is a very common problem, where the wife feels the husband is not giving her enough attention, not giving her enough time," says Dr. Aly Mokhtar, consultant psychiatrist, so if you're feeling neglected and frustrated from a similar situation, you're not alone.

Dr. Mokhtar's analysis of the problem might surprise you, though. While wives often assume that their husbands are simply uncaring or selfish, according to Dr. Mokhtar, much of this problem stems from the rapid changes our society is undergoing, creating demands on marriages that didn't exist for our parents. The increasing pace of life and the strong focus on achievement for people at work and children at school has put us under tremendous stress. "The environment in general puts much more pressure on our time and our psychological and social functioning compared to a few decades ago," explains Dr. Mokhtar.

Meanwhile, the people we used to turn to for emotional support, our extended family, neighbors and friends, simply don't have the time anymore. "Everybody is busy and more challenged and has to devote more time to his or her own nuclear family," says Dr. Mokhtar. So while in the past, a wife got much of her emotional support, problem solving and even leisure needs met by a wide network of family and friends, now she relies primarily on her husband. Meanwhile, her husband is busier (and more exhausted) then ever before. "This puts a lot of extra demands on the marital relationship," says Dr. Mokhtar, adding that we have no model to follow for how a marriage works in this situation, because our parents' lifestyle was much different.

Dr. Mokhtar offers tips for handling this situation
1. Realize that your husband probably does care, he just shows it differently.
We shouldn't get caught up in generalizations about men and women, since that would be "oversimplifying a complex issue," says Dr. Mokhtar, but he notes there are some basic differences.

One is that men don't talk about their feelings as much as women. "A man's way of expressing his love and attachment is different. It doesn't mean he loves any less," says Dr. Mokhtar. "A lot of men have strong feelings which they don't express in words."

Men also tend to be externally focused and achievement oriented, so working hard to support the family is their way of caring. While a woman tends to focus within her household, "seek the love in a relationship and creating a suitable, nourishing environment for the children," explains Dr. Mokhtar, a man is usually focused outward and on the future, thinking about "how he can protect the house and develop and maintain it, rather than enjoying the house."

These differences are actually complementary, and understanding that can help couples feel less frustrated with each other.

2. Make advance plans for time together.
The changes in our society have happened so fast, we haven't had the chance to learn how to handle our new, fast-paced lifestyles. One important method is time management. When time is limited, planning your leisure activities is vital, because if you leave it to chance, it may not happen. Dr. Mokhtar suggests that couples plan:
• A daily meal together. "It doesn't have to be lunch, it could be supper," he points out.
• At least one weekly event, if not two, of socializing with people outside the nuclear family, visiting relatives or friends, for example.
• Getting outdoors once a week as a family. "Get some fresh air, exercise together and get rid of physical stress," says Dr. Mokhtar. You could go to a sporting club or a public garden or even walk along the Nile.

While it was rare in the past for even a day to go by without someone visiting your home, today a nuclear family can go for a week without socially interacting with anyone except themselves, and this is very isolating. Mixing with the outside world is important to balance your lives and break your routine. "There will be more quality time interaction between the couple if there are these other outlets," says Dr. Mokhtar.

3. Talk about it, but wisely.
Choose the right time to bring up your concerns, when neither of you is tired or angry. Wait until you are both relaxed and then bring up the fact that spending time together would be good for the whole family, which is true. This approach is much more likely to get your husband's attention and acceptance than saying he is not meeting your needs, Dr. Mokhtar advises.

Many husbands are still following the example of their fathers, for whom supporting the family was their entire role. While that's no longer enough, your husband may simply not have realized that. So gently let him know that you all need time together in order to be a strong family, then plan to make it happen.